Monday, September 21, 2009

And, Cut!

Sure, Ryan Gosling is able to pull off sounding like a respectable indie-rocker, but for the most part, acting and rocking do not go hand-in-hand. Here are five reasons not to quit your day job.

Keanu Reeves - Dogstar

This is precisely the type of crap that would rot in obscurity were it not for the fact that Keanu Reeves plays bass and occasionally attempts singing, as shown here. Although it is actually difficult to categorize Keanu as just another actor trying to be a rockstar, because he's not really an actor either.

Kevin Bacon - The Bacon Brothers

What your dad's band might sound like, if your dad was an aging wannabe hipster who had just quit his job, listened to a lot of Sugar Ray and started smoking crack. Kind of makes me rethink the couple of Kevin Bacon movies I actually liked. At best this is embarrassing, at worst, it's creepy. If Kevin Bacon wrote a song about me, I'd consider a restraining order, personally.

Bruce Willis - The Bruce Willis Blues Band

Oh, the lenghts we'll go to allowing our beloved Hollywood friends to indulge themselves. There are so many great bands in the world that don't get any love and Bruce's horrendous blues band gets a bigscreen and a huge audience to witness him stalking around on the stage like your drunk boss on karoke night. Awesome. Bruce's next song? "The Ashton Kutcher Blues."

Steven Seagal - Steven Seagal and Thunderbox

Life got ya down? Wanna wallow in your sorrows for a little while? Steven Seagal's got your back. Who else but Seagal understands what it's like to have the blues. Here, the actor of American cinema staples such as Kill Switch, Pistol Whipped and Today You Die, pulls out his full arsenal of pain to give us a blues beatdown. Robert Johnson just vomited, in Hell.

Russell Crowe - 30 Odd Foot of Grunts

Dude! At the 2:17 mark after Crowe has stolen a ball from a juggler who is just chillin' up on the rooftop with the band, he then tosses the ball back and the video switches from black-and-white to color. It reminds me of when Dorthy opens the door in the Wizard of Oz and... Seriously? Turns out Russell Crowe is better at wreckless rock and roll behavior, like throwing phones at people's faces, than at actually being a rockstar. Kinda makes me happy that his character dies in Gladiator.


  1. Oh my lord.
    I feel so embarrassed for these people. How could their friends and families sit idly by and watch them destroy their already decidedly crappy legacies? This is right up there with pooping your pants or walking in on your grandparents having sex. The shame is indescribable...

  2. Ok, I have to comment again. I'm sorry, but I knew that there was something extremely familiar about Russell Crow's "performance"... and then... it hit me: JAN. TERRI.

    Perhaps a JT blog is in order?? Em? You out there? You got my back or what?! heyyyy CRUISE SHIP!

  3. Jan Terri! I will add her to an pcoming posts!